The Slam: Slammables
Summer's Drive
by Liz, Pennsylvania
Honeysuckle & nameless weeds,
all the faintly golden particles,
waft through unrolled windows,
tangle & playfully loop
around our wind-muted words.
The sugar-scent recalls airy joy
& the underlying solemnity
in breathing nectar of the dying
leaves. They appear alive, & this
is summer’s trick. In the midst
of our forgetting that they decay --
they decay. Every moment,
the translucent green
membranes lose minute portions
of their lives; the essence sweetly
lingers aloft & we inhale. It tinges
unseen earthly clouds, permeates
my hair with pretty philosophies:
thoughts of a marble planet, & that
our lives, too, are minutes, passing
portraits along a tortuous road,
all in the palette of the setting sun.
Outside is a continuous funeral
parlor, with this perfume
of little deaths all around.
An open-air cathedral, it houses
the prisms of these tinted saints;
the heads of dandelions even seem
to bow in reverent, sage acceptance
as they are ripped apart & scattered.
Wow, this is amazing! You write a lot of good pieces, but this one is by far my favorite!
Was the use of "&" signs instead of the actual word "and" intentional? I don't think it's a bad thing, since you used them consistently throughout the poem... just curious!
critiqued by A.A., Washington
Aug 31, 2010
Aug 31, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Yes, the ampersand is intentional. I read a book of poems in which the poet used only the ampersand, never the word "and." I'm just experimenting right now with my writing, borrowing from others. I wasn't sure, when I read those other poems, of the use of the ampersand. But through adopting it in this poem, and in other poems I have written, I see the advantages. As a symbol, rather than a word (generally longer), the "&" visually takes up less space in the line. The word "and," in my opinion, rarely deserves the spotlight in a line of poetry. The symbol in this poem also serves to illustrate, literally, the subtle motif of looping and winding: the scent in the wind loops; the road is tortuous. The shape of the symbol "&" seems to fit nicely with this. Thank you for your critique.
critiqued by Liz, Pennsylvania
Sep 1, 2010
Sep 1, 2010
Addressing the musicality of the poem... "airy joy" and "& this / is summer's trick" are the only moments that I felt broke the incredible, spell-binding captivation and musicality of your words. These were as if slight jolts awoke me from dreams. In the latter case, I wonder if perhaps it was the "d" sound of "&" and the "k" sound of "trick": harsh consonants? Maybe too many vowels in "airy joy"? I'm certainly no expert, though.
I'm really not sure if this is too much detail to go into here, but when you say, "of a marble planet, & that" I'm not sure about the "& that." I first thought of cutting the "&," but I understand if you feel that wouldn't distinguish enough between the first image of a marble planet and the second image following. Personally, I think it would still be clear. The current sound of the "&" just wasn't quite singing for me.
One last comment: perhaps you would consider ending on a different word? A teacher once told me that short words create a sense of finality; I have no idea if this is correct. Imagine, though, if, for instance, the poem ended at "apart," and felt a greater sense of the finality of the image.
Hopefully this wasn't irritatingly nitpicky -- I think we begin to consider fine details when the calibre of work is high! Thank you for sharing with us your work.
critiqued by soon love, soon
Sep 5, 2010
Sep 5, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
First, thank you for your thoughtful critique! Now, addressing your points. I understand what you mean about the musicality. What I was thinking with "& this / is summer's trick" was some playing with the short "i" sound of "this" and "trick." Also, more importantly to me, I liked the breath one must take after "this" in order to proceed to the next line. "This" has a light, wispy sound, though it's a rather commonplace word. "Airy joy" might contain too many vowels, however. I was a bit troubled by this phrase. I wanted to connote the weightless, floating freedom of being in a car with the summer wind whipping all over the place. "Airy" has this quality and "joy" seemed to fit the playful tone of the beginning of the poem. The "& that" of which you speak also troubles me. I did whittle that line to a certain point, but left it alone for new eyes to ponder, and ponder you did! I think it is the "that" more than the "& that." Hmm. "That" is closed where "this" is open. Thank you for pointing this out to me. Like the sonic quality, I think that the aesthetics of the line are not so pleasing either. As for the ending, you have put lots of new ideas into my head. I'd never heard that before, about short words. I'll have to play about more with this notion. I've always heard that ending with an image, rather than, say, an idea, is best. I'm so glad you consider this poem to be "high caliber." Once again, thank you.
critiqued by Liz, Pennsylvania
Sep 12, 2010
Sep 12, 2010
I love your poem and I also agree with the previous critiques about the finer points, with the exception of the ending. I like it as it is and I see no need for you to change it. I think the word "scattered" really does give a sense of finality, as it is irreversible: who could gather up all the particles of a dandelion head after they've been scattered?
I also have doubts about the use of the ampersand. You say that one reason you used it is because you feel that the word "and" rarely deserves the spotlight; however, replacing it with the symbol "&" makes it stand out among the regular letters in the line and it really drew my attention to it. I do agree, though, that in this poem it is particularly fitting because it illustrates the curved movements described in the poem.
I'd like to mention that I love the passage "In the midst / of our forgetting that they decay -- / they decay." I don't know why I like it so much, but I do, maybe because it rings true, and I think the use of the dash adds to it.
I haven't said enough how great your poem is. I just love everything in it -- the language, the topic, the line breaks, the ending especially, the last five lines -- and every time I read it I find something new to marvel at. I'm curious whether you worked on it for a long time, revising it again and again, or whether it just came to you that way (my guess would be the former).
Anyway, congrats for this amazing poem. I'd love to read more.
critiqued by fountain-pen, France
Sep 20, 2010
Sep 20, 2010
Slammings