The Slam: Slammables
Make Music With Your Life
by Erica, Missouri
Step on violin strings.
Stir silver waters with the tip of a finger,
listen to the rustle of ripples.
Bring a hand across your chest,
pull it out to send the air spinning.
Brush a leaf with your forehead.
Kneel on a drum.
Hum and chase a dragonfly with your lips.
Yell as you jump into the lake.
Scream, shout, sing --
announce your presence.
Rub tree bark on your hair,
and shoot dew off your shoulder, into the Sun.
Reach your hands into that place inside.
Into your own cave
where the rocks rattle with your thoughts.
Bring that little you into the light.
Let yourself explode
and touch everything.
I love the ideas and message behind your poem. One suggestion would be to omit the last line or even switch the places of the last two lines. "Let yourself explode" holds more emotion for me and summarizes your poem better than "touch everything." I like the idea of "Make Music With Your Life," although I think if you want to use this title you should work on integrating your imagery of music more deeply into your poem. Specifically the lines "Step on violin strings" and "Kneel on a drum" seemed to need better transitions.
My favorite line was "Hum and chase a dragonfly with your lips." This line plus your imagery of water instantly reminded me of frogs. It might be fun to include them in your poem especially since they "sing." Keep writing!
critiqued by L. Edwards, Minnesota
Sep 5, 2010
Sep 5, 2010
Slammings