The Slam: Slammables


by fountain-pen, France

It sped by. Calm and oblivious,
it rushed away like rivers do --
why rivers? And it stole
you away from me. There was
something at first, a tenderness
in you I thought I could tickle and kiss,
and put a meaning on the word
But I lost it, if it was ever
there at all. Time -- or
maybe just the two shadows
towering over your life --
slapped you and hit you
so hard your skin grew shell-thick
sturdy and impenetrable.
Tenderness: gone. I miss it,
if it was ever there at all.


Your poem has well thought-out plots. It needs more order, though. Some commas might help to get the feeling into it better. Overall, though, it's really quite lovely!

critiqued by Heart, Kentucky
Sep 2, 2010



Thanks for your feedback!

critiqued by fountain-pen, France
Sep 5, 2010