The Slam: Slammables
Voyage
by Anirvan Sengupta, Kolkata, India
With your modesty you try to keep me grounded,
But by your stupid fetishes I won't be surrounded;
Try your best to stop this flight,
To blow the fire that I will ignite;
I'll just believe in myself all that much more,
That my routine will not be a bore;
I will tread into this forest without any maps,
And will learn after falling into all its traps;
So off I go composing my own tune;
To the pain of reason I remain immune.
I think you're getting at some interesting points, but I honestly found the rhyme scheme very distracting and found that it took away from the meaning considerably. Rhymes right next to each other generally seem rather forced; ABABCDCD, etc., feels more natural to me as a reader. That being said, I still enjoyed the images that the poem conjured, particularly the fire and the trap-strewn forest (and how even though you may not know where you are/where you are going/how to get there, you learn from your mistakes).
critiqued by D. Baetzner, Minnesota
Jul 23, 2010
Jul 23, 2010
This is powerful. The rhyme scheme seems fitting for the message of the work, i.e., forceful, defiant. The only line that stands out is "that my routine will not be a bore" -- sounds kind of like you just needed something to rhyme with "more" and were tired of messing with it. I especially love the last line, "to the pain of reason I remain immune." That is a beautiful line to end on; it lingered with me.
critiqued by Marie
Aug 9, 2010
Aug 9, 2010
Slammings