The Slam: Slammables

The Photograph

by Lauren, Illinois

The sky was dappled gray and muddled silver. Clouds gathered in clusters of thick, even brushstrokes. The sun was still visible near the hills to the west, but the mist had nearly covered it. To him the sun appeared to be a dim, glowing orb, and its mystery intrigued him. As the first mosquitoes emerged from the dewy grass, they added to the sun’s darkening cover. They swarmed and bit at his ankles, but he was too enthralled with the sky to notice. Finally, the mist overpowered the sun’s eerie aura, and the orb disappeared before it could dip below the hilly horizon.

The mosquitoes were forming packs now, and he finally decided that it was not wise to brave the swarms. Red, puffy ankles would not be helpful during tomorrow’s hike. Therefore, he began ambling toward his family’s car. His sister was there waiting for him, crossing her arms and pouting a bit. A single lock of pure blonde hair hung over her brow and tickled her nose in the wind. The rest of her wavy hair was swept back in a low, loose ponytail that ended right between her shoulder blades. From his angle, it appeared to dip under the back of her head and disappear inside her neck, only to reappear as the beige stalks of grass surrounding them on all sides. Finally, a powerful gust of wind hit, and the single curl was blown behind her left ear. He stopped in front of her, and she scrutinized his blank expression.

“No sunset,” she said curtly, raising her eyebrows ever so slowly. Her pause was expectant, as if she wanted these two words to have negative physical effects on him. However, his emotions were somewhat calloused from recent events, so he simply smirked and bowed his head as he stepped inside the dirty white station wagon. He heard a sigh behind him, and soon his sister’s light footsteps were following his own.

Inside the car, his feelings were limited further by the atmosphere he found himself in. Sandwiched between his brother and sister in the back seat, he couldn’t help but notice his father’s irritated eyes in the rearview mirror. The thin, cloudy eyes numbed his psyche. Subconsciously, he felt for the swollen bruise on his ribcage and tapped it lightly with his index finger. The shock of pain it produced awakened his mind, and his head was filled with a thousand grim images of fear. Pink ribbons of terror constricted his nerves as anxiety washed over his quivering skull. As if his father could sense his son’s alarm, his eyes narrowed further and creased at the edges. Insults seemed to be spelled out in his father’s deepening wrinkles.

To ease his mind, the boy looked out the window. For one hopeful moment, he thought he caught a glimpse of the orb as it cascaded down a knoll. He yanked his clunky black camera from around his neck and aimed it at the glossy hills with trembling fingertips. Right before he clicked, his brother peered over his shoulder and reached eagerly for the camera. His brother’s fingers wrapped around the lens of the camera and pulled with surprising force. The camera cord, still caught around his wrist, bent his hand backward. The last thing he did before yelping and hitting his head on his brother’s bony shoulder was accidentally take a picture. Click.

Hours later, he would examine the photo, the last Polaroid taken before his brother seized the lens on his beloved camera and crushed it in his grasp. The sky, muted charcoal with flecks of soft cream, glimmered in the open car window. And in front of it, a hand; his hand, reaching out for the fluorescent orb that had long retreated into the abyss.

Slammings

This is a very well written piece, but rather difficult to read.

 

I really liked the sentence, "Her pause was expectant, as if she wanted these two words to have negative physical effects on him." It made me smile, and, even though the rest of the piece was far from funny, it added a touch of ironic humor which was reassuring. Plus, it rang true and reminded me of my own sister. I also especially liked the sentence, "Pink ribbons of terror constricted his nerves as anxiety washed over his quivering skull." Great imagery!

 

However, I was discouraged by the long descriptions of the sky and the boy's sister in the first two paragraphs, and the third paragraph confused me.

 

My favorite paragraph was the last one. It's what really made me like your piece. It really showed the sadness and despair of the boy. The last sentence made me want to cry. To me, the photograph of his hand reaching out for a light that isn't there anymore represents the family situation he can't get out of.

 

Great job. Is this based on personal experience?

critiqued by fountain-pen, France
Jul 26, 2010

I love it when a work goes "beneath the surface" like this -- there is more here than meets the eye.  The way I read this, the sunset is a metaphor for the boy's home situation: darker, less hopeful, and less spectacular than we would wish for.  Perhaps the sun, quietly disappearing into the darkness, is like the boy's hopes in the midst of an abusive situation.  What does everyone else think?

 

I love the imagery in this story.

critiqued by pinkie, USA
Jul 26, 2010

This piece really made me think, and I like that.  The situation the boy was in was shown in such a perfect way, and I could kind of feel the despair the boy was feeling.  The last paragraph was my favorite; I love the imagery and the way his painful situation is depicted in that one, all-encompassing sentence.  This is definitely one of the best I've read. Great job!

critiqued by Firespirit, Wisconsin
Oct 29, 2010