The Slam: Slammables

summer sickness

by violet, in love

everything is so soft, but also removed from me. ash says i sound like i’m on pain meds, says i sound loopy. i tell them that i’m not, because the last time i took ibuprofen was at least twelve hours ago. nothing feels real because no one can see me right now. if a girl gets sick in a forest & no one can see her, does that coughing make a sound?  jack says i shouldn’t have thrown up at super g mart, or at least not all over myself like that, because it was gross & he had to pretend he didn’t know me. i want to tell him that he always pretends not to know me anyway, but he’s not listening to me anymore.

 

my dad thinks the reason why i have a stomach bug is because of how i showed up at work crying & then i had to quit because my mom said they’d bully me but then she decided they wouldn’t want to work with me at all. i think my body has been saving up all the sickness from this year, even the pollen allergies & how i didn’t have any this year, & unleashing it now to make my life suck. i’m not used to being sick & every time i’ve thrown up in the past day i’ve found myself gasping for air & wondering if i’ll choke on my own puke, even though i know it’s not that likely cause i’m not lying down when i puke. 

 

it’s still scary because i’m not used to puking without my fingers down my throat & the fact that i can do that now leaves a possibility for all these germs to hurt me. my mom tells me to stay hydrated but every time something is in my mouth i get scared that it’ll make me puke, like the bubble tea at super g mart. at least before the bulimia left me in the dust i knew there was never anything really wrong, or at least nothing i hadn’t dealt with for years on end, but now i have to worry that my brain is gonna explode or something cause my brain doesn’t drain right & the puking could be a sign of that, but my mom doesn’t think it’s anything more than a stomach bug so i have to pretend to be calm about this, act like puking isn’t the scariest thing i’ve ever done, & so on, & so forth. 

 

Author's Note: this is a shitty poem about being sick. hope y'all like it.