The Slam: Slammables

My Grandfather

by Liz, Pennsylvania

His father’s mother’s name
was Lara. An educated woman,
or more so than her other immigrant
neighbors. They would clamor round
when letters arrived from the old country.
She was the only one who could read
the Italian. More than this, she was
an excellent nurse.
Once, on a bet, he stuck his hand
into a pot of hot lard. She immediately
ran outside to gather leaves
of a mysterious sort and wrapped them
around his injury. When unveiled,
he said, his hand was fine. As if nothing
had happened. He flexed his fingers
as he told me this, and his eyes
still looked amazed.
Lara was a midwife too.
She would get called away
to many a birthing, and always
she carried her little black bag.
With a handle, it was something like
a toolbox, her doctor’s sacchetto.
His father used to be
the size of this bag.
And he, for the longest time,
thought his mother carried
babies around in it.

Slammings

It seems as though your piece is very scattered, almost as if you wrote random sentences and strung them into a writing piece. I think you should choose a stronger focal point instead of floating ideas around.

critiqued by Iyscyube
Jun 27, 2010

I really love your subject here. You had many interesting details and I liked how the story sort of rambled on, as if your grandfather was talking. I think this piece could have stood up fine without the line breaks in the middle of the sentences, which, in my opinion, only made the poem more difficult to understand. Please consider writing a short story! I have a feeling it would be marvelous.

critiqued by Erica, Missouri
Jun 27, 2010

I love you Liz!

critiqued by Liza
Jul 1, 2010