The Slam: Slammables

The Governor is Dead

by Monica N., British Columbia

They say Respect the governor, but the governor is dead:
his feet between the lemon trees,
the stars between his head.

They say Respect the sea, but the sea has been uncrossed:
it spits up squid and catfish
and its fishermen are lost,

and they say Respect the Mother, but the Mother can't be found:
they're looking in the valleys
but there's blood beneath the ground.

Slammings

Wow! I love this poem! The rhythm and rhyme fit the nature of the poem really well and the subjects of it are interesting and provoke different opinions.

 

I don't really understand the bit about the mother. Is it Mother Nature you are referring to? Clarification please.

 

I look forward to more of your work. 

critiqued by Jojo, Australia
Jul 13, 2010

I really love this. I'm not sure I know why. There's a lot hiding in the simplicity. I think being able to write sparingly and say a lot is a mark of talent. Did you revise this a good deal or did it all come at once?

critiqued by eponine-pontmercy, London, UK
Jul 13, 2010

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

 

I can't say I revised a great deal at all. Personally I find it much more difficult revising rhyming than freeverse poetry.  Mostly it all came at once, and then I tweaked the endings and some of the adjectives to make it flow better.

 

Thanks for the comments, though. I'm glad you liked it!

critiqued by Monica N., British Columbia
Jul 14, 2010

The thing I love about this poem is its almost child-like rhyming quality. When I read it, it sounds so friendly, and yet it's totally morbid and slightly disturbing. I think it's a very fun poem, for all its talk about death. But... maybe that's just me?

critiqued by Captain Whitney
Jul 19, 2010

I like this a lot; there's a lot hiding, as has been said, in the simplicity of your words and the stanzas themselves. Your rhyme scheme works really well here, and a few hiccups in the meter don't distract much from the overall work.

 

If it were me, I'd tack on an extra stanza. Four is round and feels complete, three requires more to tie it all together. That's what's really missing here -- something to tie the poem together and give us an idea of what you're getting at. An end that makes us read everything again in a new light. 

critiqued by SamR, Binghamton, NY
Jul 20, 2010

There isn't much to add after what everyone else said, but I just want to mention that the last line of your poem ("but there's blood beneath the ground") reminds me of a Bible passage where God tells Cain: "Your brother's blood cries to me from the ground" (Genesis 4:10). Had you heard this verse before writing the poem? Is the relationship intentional? It's definitely a strong image which makes for a good last line.

 

Great poem!

critiqued by fountain-pen, France
Jul 27, 2010