The Slam: Slammables

Funny

by Daisy, Massachusetts

To realize all along we were speaking the same language
Only I didn’t know because you kept using words like clavicle
To describe a lilting line when what you really meant was
Arabesque
And I was in the drawing studio and you were somewhere
Talking in low tones…
And we were just two bored kids with nothing to do
And no dictionary.
Pass me that pick and we’ll excavate this thesaurus.
Dress it up for a museum like we’re the artists of the ages.
We don’t have the right but nobody does
To say spring and mean fling
And disease and mean divorce.
Languishing in language,
My summer yard: Mother leans out
“Don’t bounce on the hammock!”
Clever and charming, we’re still waiting
For adorable to set in.
At least we didn’t peak early.

Slammings

I loved the first four lines.  I read it a couple of times, because the meaning got a little lost.  It was very beautiful sounding.  "Pass me the pick and we'll excavate this thesaurus," that seemed a little -- tough? unnatural?  It's a clever metaphor, but I immediatly thought of some kind of raunchy dialogue, not like the softness of the rest of the poem.

 

You could also use a comma in "we don't have the right, but nobody does."  As it is, it throws you off when you read it.

 

Overall, I really enjoyed it.

critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Aug 2, 2010