The Slam: Slammables

At the Italian Restaurant

by Daisy, Massachusetts

Under the table a cane leans by her legs
And their feet stay in their respective areas
And are irrelevant
(Two tables over a boy
And a girl. Dressed for the prom
Their feet touch maybe
Accidentally and ping
With fire. Her mind maps out the exact
Space between his dress shoes and her pedicure
A variation on Euclid, tinged with desire)
They sit in silence
Enjoy their food slowly
-- Later they will share a decadent dessert
And her mouth will form an understated “o” at its arrival
Her biggest expression
Of delight, inked in the rays
Around her thin
Single-stemmed mouth --
For now he breaks the stoic silence
She leans in to listen
Their glasses glinting in unison
Like two conversing crescents
Under her knit cap
Over his neat collar
A hand gesture sends her band sliding
Loosely towards her knuckle
He holds hands with himself
Creating the silhouette
Of a forest floor
(Two tables over he can’t keep his eyes off her
She cocks her head, curls bouncing
He takes a picture with his cell phone)
Later they will share a newspaper
(Later they will dance
He’ll grasp her stomach
Over the silk with sweaty palms)
The check comes
(the check comes)
Shuffle
(shuffle)
Along.

Slammings

I loved this poem. I really liked how you described what was happening with one couple (a more conservative-sounding couple from what I gathered) and with another (perhaps younger) couple. It took me a few reads to really understand what you were doing, but I wouldn't suggest changing anything. Very nice job.

critiqued by HannahMc, Colorado Springs, CO
Jun 22, 2010

Wow, this one was a really great poem. (I just submitted something like it as well.) I agree with the previous comment; I kind of had to read it twice to get it -- but don't change anything.

critiqued by reinselm, Virginia
Jun 27, 2010

I liked this because it was more like a time machine than a comparison for me.  It was as if you were saying that the couple braced for the prom could be the older couple in forty, fifty years.  (Maybe less -- did I just assume they were old?)  The synchronization of lines at the end of the poem amplified this effect.  My only advice: it seems like the poem would be better served if the younger, passion-clad pair's story was in italics or bold rather than in parentheses.  The parentheses make them seem like an afterthought.  Keep writing.

critiqued by Louise Porter, Connecticut
Jun 27, 2010