The Slam: Slammables
the prom
by thelonely, New Hampshire
let your hair down,
stick flowers on your chest,
try and rock a pair of three-inch heels
while driving a standard --
but no matter: the rain has stopped
it's car-crash beautiful.
don't think about the pictures.
so you get to the prom now
the police checks in your purse
and your favorite teacher is checking
the guest list. you try to adjust your scarf
and decide against any more pictures.
upstairs it's like
an endless parade of
don't touch don't touch don't touch
so you stand on the side
of the twitching dance floor
watching the kids have sex with each other
for three hours.
go home and have cookies
and 2% milk, live a little
now you don't have to worry
about your strapless business
falling down, put on a sweatshirt.
play your own music on the way home.
I find this is just an overload of sensations. It's a run-on sentence split in many places and masquerading as a poem. If you built a little more structure and focused on more details, not just everything, this poem would be fine.
critiqued by springzhu
May 26, 2010
May 26, 2010
I agree with springzhu. I think this piece just needs to pick one main focal point.
critiqued by Iyscyube
Jun 18, 2010
Jun 18, 2010
This is a very good example of a "stream of consciousness" approach to poetry writing. Sensations and images are the key to really great and memorable poetry. Thelonely has this down; the thing now to concentrate on is turning those great sensations and images into an absolute poem instead of a series of broken and poetic sentences.
critiqued by L. M. Zhukov, Russia
Jun 22, 2010
Jun 22, 2010
Slammings