The Slam: Slammables

in time of storms

by Georgicus, Santa Rosa, CA

She once had read of distant tropic isles,
where birds the size of elephants still lived,
and with their wings stirred hurricanes from dew.
Outside, the chickens strut and peck the dirt.

The single book she owns still tells of times
when princes quested to the world's edge,
and burning djinn left wakes of ashen plains.
Thin smoke trails from the chimney to the sky.

She sighs and glances to the window. Strange,
the plains have darkened early -- thunderclouds
are coming, floods of shadow rushing in.
The wind is lashing. Chickens squawk and flee.

Then talons tear the cottage walls away.
She unfolds from the wreck, tall and aflame.

Slammings

I think this would be really beautiful as a prose piece. Because besides the devastatingly wonderful descriptive language, nothing makes "in time of storms" really a poem. It seems that you simply pressed the Enter key a few times at random places. The story you tell here is magnificent, so turn it into a story.

critiqued by springzhu, Ottawa, Ontario
May 26, 2010

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

 

I'm afraid the site has messed up the line breaks. They weren't originally as random; it's an unrhymed sonnet.

critiqued by Georgicus, Santa Rosa, CA
May 28, 2010

SLAM MASTER'S NOTE:

 

This poem's line breaks have been readjusted to appear as the author originally intended.  Enjoy!

critiqued by Slam Master
May 28, 2010

Wow, I had read this when the lines were all wonky and thought not much of it. But now that it's fixed, I really do like this. There's some really great imagery and it just goes to show how much line breaks can really augment or hinder a piece.

critiqued by CarlNap, Arkansas
May 31, 2010

Wow, that makes a big difference.

critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Jun 11, 2010