The Slam: Slammables

Sweetness

by wannagrowwings, Washington

Sweetness.                                                          
This is sweetness
The lingering sound of words
The soft flutter of feathers
Can you hold this bird
No.
Words are not sufficient
Simple letters on paper
Cannot express
Small bird bones
So delicate
Bend and I will break
It feels like spring
With the sound of a thousand meadowlarks
Sing
Words on paper
Cannot sing
Cherry blossoms fall to the ground
Flutter like so many feathers
Feathers
Eyes grow brighter to the sound
Of fingers on piano black keys white keys
Creamy notes that open and spread
Distinct sounds
Like
Ice on a frozen pond
Moonlight peeling into dawn bittersweet notes
To the sound of spring
This is
Timelessly temporal
Each sentence has an ending
Final punctuation
Pencils
Erase ink.
Soft:
Falling papers
To the ground:
The pink eraser in my
Sweet:
The taste of thistle down
Down blanket full of
Bitter:
Dandelions
Little bits blowing in the wind
Hard stems milk juice
Bite.
This is
Sweetness.

Slammings

I really liked your piece; you used strong words. But it doesn't flow smoothly because of the lines with only one word in them. These seem like random breaks in an otherwise carefully written piece.

critiqued by Iyscyube
Jun 16, 2010

I agree; the words used were very descriptive, but I thought that the single-word lines were a good idea. With the rest of the poem being flowing run-on sentences, the short ones were sort of like coming up for air; taking a breath before you drown in run-ons. (Nothing wrong with all the run-ons, though; I liked the entire piece -- great job.)

critiqued by sparrow_lvnv
Jun 17, 2010