The Slam: Slammables
frozen
by wannagrowwings, Washington
The iceberg was beautiful, a thousand snow crystals that sparkled in the sun. Pure white, the pinnacle of nature. Wolves had hunted on the frozen lake below, howling at the stars, tearing out the steaming intestines of moose. Once, a wolverine had lived in the cave below the icy cliff. She didn't belong. A city girl, used to the smell of exhaust, the constant rush of cars. This "nature" was something entirely foreign to her. The quietude scared her, but, after all, that was her reason for coming. This was a place of such beauty. She was not beautiful. Her features were good enough, but didn't quite fit together. The dark brown, almost black eyes didn't go with her dirty blond hair. Her nose was thin, and complexion pale. Walking towards the iceberg, she seemed even more out of place. Her salmon colored North Face jacket, her slight overweightness. She looked like a creature of comfort, something that had been pampered, fed, indulged. She climbed up the icy slope, up the only path that could be taken. An owl softly cried out, its voice barely a whisper. Her boots crunched against the frozen over snow. She reached the top of the iceberg. Gazed down at the stretching bleakness that would turn into an expansive blue lake come summer. She walked to a slight mound, and sat down. This was beauty. [given five weeks in this place she could have lost twenty pounds her friends would have told her she could be a model she would have been never called fat again she could go back she could go back her parents would congratulate her on the admirable feat of living in the wilderness for a few weeks she could tell stories about the horrors and her bravery for having come through it all she could eat chocolate and oranges and go to movies with her friends and go shopping] But she did not want that. Then she pulled the pistol from underneath her jacket. It was from the pawn shop near her house. She had spent all her money on it, deciding to buy the most expensive one in the shop. Burl oak, shiny steel, "good as new," the shopkeeper had told her. Now, it didn't seem to matter. She savored one last moment of silence, and the fear that came with it. Then pressed the barrel to her forehead. A shot rang out through the icy fields. Silence followed: the animals were scared.
After a few minutes, the rustlings of life began again. The owl whisper-cried once more.
First of all: whoa. I didn't see that coming.
I really liked the part where where was thinking and it was all in one long sentence, and I liked the end, how all the life starts again. I also think the title really brought it all together.
One problem: iceberg? do you mean glacier? An iceberg is only when the ice is floating in the water -- so logically it would be impossible to walk to an iceberg. Maybe it was just me, but even if you meant that metaphorically, it really distracted me from the story. Again, the story overall was really good, that just distracted me.
critiqued by Sarah K.
Apr 24, 2010
Apr 24, 2010
Shocking, and coincidental as well. I was just having an argument with my friend over whether people who commited suicide were mentally unstable or not. I figured some of them were just sad. I love the natural surroundings and the silence that the gun invoked -- but really, if it were that easy for a kid to buy a gun, the world would be a lot more dangerous.
critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Apr 24, 2010
Apr 24, 2010
A few things:
Yes, as mentioned earlier, an iceberg by definition is surrounded by ocean, and yes, it isn't that easy to get a gun. You'll have to come up with another way of her having obtained it. Stole it from a father or uncle, perhaps?
I also don't understand how she got to this wilderness area in the first place. There needs to be more background.
You have lots of description, but it isn't enough. The death of the girl was shocking, but I didn't know enough about her to care. A name, at least, would have been nice, some significant thing about her past that makes me want her to live. You said that "the quietude scared her, but, after all, that was her reason for coming." Did she really come just to be scared? Was she trying to escape her old life? Did she know she was going to kill herself when she left, or was the pistol originally for protection against wolves and such?
How does your character feel about the nature that surrounds her? Does she care about the hooting owl? Does she care about the snow and cold? What does she care about? Who is she?
I get the feeling that you purposely didn't give her a name or very much description so that she could be anybody, and while that is a powerful technique, I don't think this is the short story to do it in. I think what would make this more powerful is if it was a unique individual who perished, not a faceless "anyman's man."
These are some things to think about. My general advice for you is to add more backstory to this. That will improve it more than anything else you can do.
critiqued by Lieutenant_Leo
Apr 28, 2010
Apr 28, 2010
This was really well written, but it's severely lacking in something: a motive. Amidst all the wonderful imagery and the clever last thoughts rushing together inside the confines of brackets, I have no clue why this girl killed herself. I have no clue because you left me none. While you don't have to blatantly say exactly what her motive is, you could at least develop her more as a character so that we have a clearer idea of where she's coming from, so that when she does do the deed, I can look back to find a reason. Personally, the only reason I can find right now is that she's been pampered and indulged all her life that she hasn't really experienced life and therefore has come to the conclusion of killing herself. And that is a stretch. Suicide is a serious thing. It's a shame when writers trivialize it by giving it no reason, even if that wasn't their intention.
critiqued by CarlNap, Arkansas
May 2, 2010
May 2, 2010
I wouldn't say that this story trivializes suicide, or, if it does, that the lack of motive is the cause. The misconception about suicide is that it happens for "a reason"; it can actually trivialize it more to say this. Suicide is an unfortunate choice that people make based on a combination of factors, the most influential being a mental illness (most commonly depression). I do not think that this story requires an "explanation" of the character's motive. If anything, this would oversimplify it. I do think that the confusion between icebergs and glaciers ought to be rectified, and I also think that the way in which the character obtained the gun is highly suspect. I like that the story manages to capture the isolation, the stillness, of one who contemplates such things. The title also captures this state of passive, immobile, "frozen" life... or rather, the moments before it ends.
critiqued by Liz, Pennsylvania
May 10, 2010
May 10, 2010
I think that there is a motive, if not an explicit one. The girl isn't comfortable with herself, her self-image, and perhaps who she is expected to be. At first I thought the smaller details weren't important, but they do add up to some of what she's feeling. Maybe she had a larger reason, but it doesn't seem necessary to give one. It would also detract from the shock value of the ending, which I admire -- I didn't expect it at all.
critiqued by eponine-pontmercy, London, UK
May 10, 2010
May 10, 2010
While suicide does not happen "for a reason" and this story does not require an explanation, I think what I should have said is that the girl in the story needs to be developed more as a character, to make the story a bit more believable and to also make the reader care. All I know about the character is that she is a girl who lived in a city her entire life, who isn't satisfied with the way she looks (even thinking herself ugly), who feels like she doesn't belong (maybe an outcast), and has been "pampered, fed, indulged" her entire life. While this is quite a bit of information, it really isn't specific enough. All of these characteristics could be applied to a number of teenage girls. And while you can use this information to find a "reason," it really gives no real one. If a larger reason was just given, yes, it would detract from the great ending. But hinting subtly towards something larger (be that mental illness, bullying, abuse, a taumatic experience, a mixture of origins) by giving the character more depth would enhance the piece. I'm asking for miniscule bread crumbs, not the whole loaf. As the story stands now, the main character is just another girl in a NorthFace jacket. Why do I even care that she killed herself? Sure, at the instant of the shot, I do feel for her. But after a while, because I really don't know much about her, I couldn't care less. Maybe this story doesn't trivialize suicide, but it does trivialize the character.
critiqued by CarlNap, Arkansas
May 18, 2010
May 18, 2010
Slammings