The Slam: Slammables
Yellow Sonnet
by m.black, Iowa
I could not see the sky while you were gone.
My eyes had lost their will to see the stars.
You’d thrown me into some unseemly con
Where life goes on despite the ugly scars.
That fall our love had turned the leaves to red,
The corn to gold, and sometimes I would sleep
Outside, your letters safe beneath my head;
But now you’re gone, and silently, I weep.
Your very absence lengthens days and nights.
I sit at home alone; I hold my pen
Above the empty page; I cannot write
"I miss you, wish that you were here" again.
And yet I know inside my heart you’ll come.
We’ll touch the sky when all is said and done.
That was wonderfuly beautiful. I love the imagery, similes, and rhyme to it. Some of the sentences were a little hard to understand (e.g. "above the empty page"). And why was it called a "yellow" sonnet?
Apr 11, 2010
A very pretty poem. Although I'm confused by the title "Yellow Sonnet," I like the mystery it adds. Maybe yellow describes the author's emotions; maybe the color of the stars overhead as she rights. Either way, I say keep the title the same. Also, I feel the ending is a little abrupt. Maybe just another line or two to make it a little smoother? Until then, keep on writing!
Apr 13, 2010
Well, obviously you can't just add "another line or two" and still keep the sonnet form. But I do agree that the final couplet could be improved upon. You have such great details in the rest of the poem, and then here you fall back on cliches like "inside my heart" and "touch the sky." Plus you use slant rhyme (come/done), which weakens the end a little. Could you leave us with a more specific image in these last two lines -- something unique to this particular relationship?
Apr 13, 2010

Slammings