The Slam: Slammables
Melting
by L. M. Zhukov, Russia
The fountain has frozen. The ice cascades and the concrete rim of the fountain is slick with ice. People in long, dirty black coats and felt mufflers hurry across the square. The steam and dirt of the subway rises from the stairway cut into the street. The people turn up their collars and fold their caps and scarves over their ears. They disappear into the clouds.
The shadows of the buildings melt out onto the street. The fountain has frozen and the people in their dirty wraps have disappeared into the steam of the subway. The shadows are grey beneath a grey sky. There is silence. It is perfectly silent in the square.
A cat moves from the space between two buildings and picks at a grey handkerchief that has fallen to the pavement. It smells of salt herring.
An apartment looks onto the square. Its doors open and a boy and a girl come out onto the pavement. The girl wears a white scarf over her hair. It is very bright in the melting shadow of the apartment. The girl's coat is grey and too long. She walks ahead of the boy. He is hurrying to catch up with her and he reaches out for her hand. It is a small, quick gesture and his hand drops before it reaches hers.
He wears an old officer's cap and the earflaps are pulled low. He has mittens that slide from his fingers.
The two of them stop beside the fountain in the middle of the square and they turn to look at each other. It is a strange, frozen moment. There is a bit of dark hair that has come free of the girl's scarf. It hangs across her forhead. Their breath is frozen in front of their faces.
They turn to the fountain. The girl steps up onto the concrete rim of the fountain and the boy takes off the mitten on his right hand and holds it out to her. Standing on the ice on the rim of the fountain, she turns and takes his hand and stays still, looking at him holding her hand.
She lifts their hands together and spins on the icy rim. She dances for a long time on the fountain, stepping carefully on the ice. They do not let go of each other. The melting shadows of the buildings reach the middle of the square but the white scarf of the girl on the rim of the fountain is bright. The frozen blue-white hands above her shine in the darkness of the concrete and the grey sky.
The cat is watching. It sits by the handkerchief that smells of salt herring. Its tail is curled and the cat is silent. There is silence in the square as the steam from the subway rises up into the sky.
It is perfectly silent in the square.
At once this reminds me of an old silent film and of a painting. I love that you manage to convey such a clear scene with such sparing sentences. A lot of people do tend to get loaded down with words, which doesn't help in a short story. You chose exactly the right words and phrases to repeat. I also like the details that give you an image without being direct physical description, like the boy reaching for the girl's hand; this sort of description makes it seem three-dimensional. Wonderful.
critiqued by eponine-pontmercy
Apr 24, 2010
Apr 24, 2010
Wonderful. It was beautifully chocked with decrepit surroundings; a very realistic feel was produced. And it was different.
critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Apr 24, 2010
Apr 24, 2010
I know you are working on branching out your style a little bit, but I have to say this isn't my favorite piece of yours. I love, love, love your poetry, but I can't say the same about your microfiction. Don't get me wrong, I like this. But it doesn't take my breath away, or even come close. And I know you are capable of doing that because you've done it before.
The problem here is that poetry is your style. And it's great that you want to be more versatile than that, but taking your style in such a different direction is not the way I would recommend going about that.
Keep writing microfiction. I love it. But don't think that a story can't dance and flow like a poem because with your writing style, it should.
This piece felt a bit flat to me, and it wasn't because of the topic; that was great. It just seemed like you only had two variations on sentence type: forms of “something does something” or “something is something." At least 95% of your sentences would be classifed as "simple sentences." They're all structured the same, which is rather boring and takes away some of the magic of what you are saying.
Read your poetry. Look at the beginnings of the lines in "Tavaricsh." There, you write with so many different sentence structures, and they add so much interest and beauty. That doesn't just apply to poetry; flow is important for everything you write. It's not going to be exactly the same in poetry and microfiction because in microfiction you can have a bigger range of sentence lengths and don't have to worry about keeping form with your prose or meter or rhyme, but it should still be more than just words telling a story. Your speech isn't even that structured, why should your writing be?
I am by no means condemning you for trying new things; that's awesome. I just think that in your haste to write something that wasn't poetry, you wrote the farthest thing from poetry you could. Don't shy away from the things you are good at. Use them in new, different, creative, exciting ways. That's what branching out really means.
critiqued by Jenna, Missouri
Apr 24, 2010
Apr 24, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
You are absolutely right. Yes, the piece does not flow, yes the sentence structure is simple, and yes, I wrote the farthest thing from poetry that I could. However, within the paremeters of this particular piece, I think it all works.
While I was writing this, I wanted every sentence to seem cold and brittle. Each sentence was to be an icicle, frozen with other icicles but ready to shatter apart. Each sentence was to be able to stand on its own, be part of any piece. It was to seem only an accident that they formed to describle this particular story. The story does not flow in the conventional sense because it is constructed of ice.
As the piece progresses, the sentences grow gradually more complex as the emotions of the characters are manifested in the silent melting of the ice.
Anyway, I thought it would be interesting to write a piece where the structure imitated the subject. I don't know if writing this reply has changed your take on the piece.
I cannot really tell you how much I value and appreciate your opinions and critiques, and I cannot thank you enough for calling things as you see them.
critiqued by L. M. Zhukov, Russia
Apr 28, 2010
Apr 28, 2010
Wow, what a cool idea! Thanks for that reply. You're right, it changed my outlook of your story completely. When I first read it, I just saw what I didn't like about it. Now, I see its potential, and it certainly has lots of potential, but it's not perfect yet.
I love the idea of the writing style of a story imitating its subject matter. The only problem is helping me understand that on my first read-through, not only after you've explained it to me. You've certainly got the iciness thing covered, but where is the melting? Sure, now that you mention it, I do see the subtle lengthening of sentences as the piece progresses, and although I know this is really obvious to you as the writer, to a reader it's far less noticeable. Remember when you write that although you read and read and reread your work, the casual reader will only give it one shot, and even a reader who cares may only give it two, and neither is prepared to study every word for meaning.
This is what I would suggest: Leave the first three paragraphs as they are. When you first introduce the boy and girl, in the fourth through sixth paragraphs, start softening up your writing with compound and complex sentences. Your sentences are longer, but still simple. Compound and complex sentences require more than one thought joined together. Also vary the structures a tad. Then, when you get to the sixth and seventh paragraphs, where the “melting” occurs, really add some magic. Write beautifully; make it poetry. At the end where you talk about the cat watching, go back to the icy writing. All throughout the piece you can gradually melt the coldness of your writing structure, then, at this point, take it back to completely frozen, really displaying the contrast. I know you don't want it to be a huge contrast because the melting is only gradual, but to readers it will still be subtle because they don't expect it.
I think that is what you were trying to do, but you just needed to emphasize more. What is subtle to you may be indistinguishable to the reader.
Happy writing and editing! I think you could make this piece really cool; it's a fabulous concept.
P.S. To all the other Slammers out there, do you have any thoughts on the subject, either agreeing or disagreeing with me?
critiqued by Jenna, Missouri
May 2, 2010
May 2, 2010
I like the clipped phrases... I could feel that wintry iciness in it. Even though it is different from your poetry, I really like the microfiction you've been doing. I still feel your distintive style in it, and the images are different but still amazing. I feel like when I read it I'm someplace foreign, which I guess it really is. Anyway... Just thought I'd put that out there.
critiqued by sing4eva
May 2, 2010
May 2, 2010
Wow. I could feel the silence and the stillness in this piece. I can see the cat and the girl's scarf.
The sentence structure of this piece is choppy, but I like that it creates a feeling of being frozen and still. Great job!
critiqued by PeaceOfTheFormsAndShadows, USA
May 2, 2010
May 2, 2010
Slammings