The Slam: Slammables

Concerning the Death of Hawks

by A_Brown

The day finds me back within
the purple relief of the gloaming,
all tired and ragged from roaming,
with no thought for where or for when.
The down and the veld stretches over
the great dark expanses of clover,
where all the hawks dip and hover
again and again.
Those sagely bright bird-of-prey eyes,
that cutting and sharply braced form,
that breaks and then joins with the swarm,
to touch earth and then flee to the skies.
But whom have they left in a sodden shelter?
His wing is trailing, out of kilter,
and while they fly all helter-skelter,
he does not arise.
The wing, a white banner, trails defeat,
and beats against the wind to no avail.
The feathers are molting, the body frail,
the movements too slow in retreat.
But even in dying the head is held high,
the eyes imperious, and the cry,
unfaltering, he must deny,
condemn his slow death to deceit.
But why, I ask, so sad to leave,
behind all your petty travails?
For his death the field won't grieve,
nor furl all its goldenrod sails.
Is it worth it to hang on to pride?
And leave all the rest to subside?

The damaged wing is furled now,
held tight against a cold body.
The wind shakes and shivers in mourning.
Then flits off to haunt some other eve.

Slammings

I love it -- it's like all my weak attempts at poetry, only stronger.  Some of the rhyme was a little put on, and "shelter," "kilter," and "helter-skelter" could have been different words.  Last word was also a little bit of a weak rhyme.  Otherwise, I loved it.  Two thumbs up.

critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, Missouri
Mar 11, 2010

I agree with Aaron. Sometimes the rhyming seemed a bit forced and it got distracting, so I was only reading to hear that the rhythm kept going, and then I realized that I had not really taken in any of the words.

critiqued by D. Baetzner, Minnesota
Mar 31, 2010

This would be really wonderful read aloud. I like the rhythm of it. The one thing that stood out to me was the "I ask." The repetition of questions fit together, but I thought it interrupted the pattern there; it also wasn't the best place to put it, if you're going to put it at all. Otherwise, beautiful imagery. I like the first eight lines the best.

critiqued by eponine-pontmercy, London, UK
Mar 11, 2010