The Slam: Slammables
Space, Merely
by Liz, Pennsylvania
Mother, your ghost lives in my jacket.
I used to think you were
the cold space, the long sleeves
that in their iciness seemed
endless corridors in the palace
of my hurt. The domain beneath
and all inside the leather,
tan and soiled in spots,
the silky lining, forgot me.
I used to be there, no,
here, my heart beating
inside me, inside the coat.
My living orb of heat
hovered here, beside yours
once, beneath yours once.
But then tonight, slipping
my hand through, sliding down
the tawny passage, it occurred
to me: you are not the cold
space, merely
the warmth that departed.
This poem made me cry -- it seems sad, but also a little bit hopeful.
I love the rhythm and how you spaced the line breaks; it makes it flow and seem disconnected at the same time -- perfect for this subject.
critiqued by Sarah K., Connecticut
Mar 11, 2010
Mar 11, 2010
I love the line "My living orb of heat." The entire poem is amazing and gives very real in-depth feelings. I love it. Good job!
critiqued by fireflowerfiftyfive, Corning, NY
Apr 11, 2010
Apr 11, 2010
It sounds wonderful when you read it out loud. It really makes you think. I'm not usually a big fan of sprawling freeverse poems, especially long ones, but sometimes, when they're layered in meaning and each word matters, I stop to read them over twice. Line 6 should have been two lines; I never can stand it when there's a period in the middle of a line, as it breaks up the flow of the verse.
critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Apr 11, 2010
Apr 11, 2010
Slammings