The Slam: Slammables
Route 6
by Kait O., Connecticut
The car finally broke down along a lonely patch of road somewhere
between Ely, Nevada and
nowhere.
More specifically
State Route 6,
southeast of the Monitor Range, a place you've never been, or heard of,
or want to go.
I guess in retrospect,
it would've been smarter to take the interstate
but on the map it looked so far out of the way.
Now, all I can do is wait for a passing traveler to come round,
searching in that vast desert for some answer to that tightness in their
chest.
Itchy feet, they call it. Wanderlust.
I stick my thumb out and wait,
legs crossed,
for salvation that will never come.
I loved reading your poem! It really gave me a mental image! Keep up the good work!
critiqued by *DanielleTaylor*, USA
Mar 11, 2010
Mar 11, 2010
I love it! I like the arrangements of the lines, and I can totally see it in my head.
critiqued by SerendipitousQuintessence, Colorado
Mar 21, 2010
Mar 21, 2010
It had a nice subject, the wanderlust, but it needed some work. You used a lot of unneeded sentences. In freeverse poetry, the point is to use simple sentences and make every single word important. Examples of where you do this: "More specifically," "They call it." Saying "lonely and nowhere" already covers the place's solitude, and so a "place you've never been or heard of" isn't needed. There's a lot of instances like this, really, and a lot could have been condensed to convey as much meaning in as little space. It really didn't sound much like poetry, more like microfiction.
critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Mar 31, 2010
Mar 31, 2010
Slammings