The Slam: Slammables
Blue Bonnet Plague
by Jolina Petersheim, Livingston, TN
Bobbing bees loop around flowers,
Those dainty, dangling petals that look like they could ring
If you shook them gently.
So many your eyes glaze --
As the sun filters through the trees,
Threading the mossy earth with ribbons of light.
Striped butterflies dance lazily,
Their flapping wings a myriad of color.
We pause a moment,
Sweat clustering at our knees and necks,
Breath it; drink it in --
The color,
The smell,
The sound --
For tomorrow we die.
I really liked this. I liked the flow of the words and the gorgeous descriptions. I'm not sure exactly what you were going for, but what I saw in this poem was the the thoughts that go through a person's head when they're really sick. I've been there and there's this sense of bliss that you get from those days where they can't pull you out of your fever. If that was what you were going for you did really well because I was definitely brought back to those times. Great job.
critiqued by YodaShmoda, the world
Feb 27, 2010
Feb 27, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Thanks, YodaShmoda, for your critique and encouragement. I was actually thinking about the Carpe Diem (Seize the Day) Theory, which is applied to various pieces of literature, and how this theory affects the perception of our world around us. We are so aware of Death's imminence that we live life to the fullest even more.
critiqued by Jolina Petersheim, Livingston, TN
Feb 28, 2010
Feb 28, 2010
The minute I finished your poem, I thought of Keating from the Dead Poet's Society. Yeah, the poem is good. It kind of gave me a jolt, and it was a jolt I needed, because I've been putting a lot of things off for tomorrows -- but what if there was no tomorrow?
critiqued by jujubee, Thailand
Mar 2, 2010
Mar 2, 2010
The line "So many your eyes glaze -- " sounds really weird. Maybe you should add some punctuation or change it up a little bit.
critiqued by jujubee, Thailand
Mar 2, 2010
Mar 2, 2010
I love the way the poem starts out seeming like it will be another idyllic nature poem, and yet takes an unexpected turn with the last line. I especially love the first bit where you describe the flowers, particularly the second line. I also really love the way you treat death in this poem, an attitude of "enjoy life, then face death head on." This leaves the reader thinking and wondering. Nicely done!
critiqued by etoile, Salt Lake City, UT
Mar 2, 2010
Mar 2, 2010
Slammings