The Slam: Slammables
Springtime Limerick
by moonbird
The sunbeams are strings on my fiddle.
I play you an intricate riddle
of sweet little tunes
on gay afternoons
and chord with the chickadee's whistle.
This is adorable! It makes me happy just to read this. Here in St. Louis it's still cold and slushy, but this poem gives me hope for spring. Good job!
critiqued by Erica, Missouri
Feb 26, 2010
Feb 26, 2010
I forgot to mention that I did really, really enjoy the poem, very witty. And I have to agree with Erica, it is pretty slushy here in St. Louis, but spring's coming.
critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Feb 26, 2010
Feb 26, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Thanks, everyone, for your comments! It took me a while to get this poem just right, and I'm really grateful for any possible improvements I can make on it.
critiqued by moonbird, Earth
Feb 27, 2010
Feb 27, 2010
It's got a nice rhyme, and I especially like the last line. I liked the first and second lines, too, but "you" in the second one didn't seem to fit -- it felt too artificial, like you placed it there to meet the meter requirements and only that.
critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Feb 26, 2010
Feb 26, 2010
I also really liked this poem. It has a wonderful lightness to it, and is a refreshing change from the beautiful but often dark pieces on this site. I did not think the second line sounded too forced, but if you think so, perhaps another one-syllable word, like "such" in place of "you" could remedy the alleged problem without ruining the meter. Just a thought. But well done!
critiqued by NineMuses, Alpha Centauri
Feb 28, 2010
Feb 28, 2010
I don't think the "you" is out of place at all. I think the second person address fits nicely with the style of the poem, in fact -- as if the author is speaking to us directly, giving us the assurance that she will conjure up the spring weather just for us. It's almost impossible not to be cheerful after reading this!
critiqued by CuriousPoet, New York, NY
Feb 28, 2010
Feb 28, 2010
I enjoyed your poem a lot, too. It started out really strong, with that first line, and then I liked it progressively less as I read on. It's a cheerful little poem, definitely good, but to me the last line is kind of out of place, which gives it a weak finish.
critiqued by jujubee, Thailand
Mar 2, 2010
Mar 2, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I agree about the last line. It turned out to be much harder than I expected to find a good rhyme for "fiddle" and "riddle." In the end I had to settle for "whistle," which technically doesn't rhyme at all. If anyone has any other suggestions for the last word, I would really appreciate it!
critiqued by moonbird, Earth
Mar 4, 2010
Mar 4, 2010
I wouldn't change the last line. It felt perfect to bring in something from nature, and "chickadee" is such a grand sounding name for a bird that the whistle doesn't feel out of place. You could have done something with "twiddle" or "brittle," but then it would have sounded stretched and out of context. "Whistle" is fine.
critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Mar 11, 2010
Mar 11, 2010
I like how it just flows -- it's delightful and sweet and conveys the feeling of spring. Very good job.
critiqued by xshamirx, Belize
Mar 2, 2010
Mar 2, 2010
Very nice -- makes me want springtime to come sooner!
critiqued by TheWeirdPoet
Mar 11, 2010
Mar 11, 2010
Slammings