AUTHOR'S NOTE:

I want to expand this further, but it's all I've got so far.

It was inspired today by the news that a girl in my own high school was
shot by her own father. I didn't know her personally, but the story
shook me, and I felt the need to write.

That's really, really, sad; it almost made me cry. But it was really well written too. Nice job.

I love the way you describe it as a normal day up until the very end. The only hint you give otherwise is at the very beginning where you say, "It happened in December." The way you don't give the information makes the ending that much more surprising, that much more tragic.

The one thing I would suggest changing is a small detail that doesn't really matter, but I think would help the flow of the story a little: the fact that the mother left. I would kind of expect, from the description you gave, that she would have cared a ton about her kids, and not just left them with someone like the dad, and if there had been a custody battle, she would have definitely gotten custody... It's not a big important detail, but it distracted me from the story a bit, while I was wondering it. I would suggest saying that she had died, but it's your story, so if you don't want to do that, it's fine.

As for expanding it, I'm not sure you need to. I kind of like the way it ends jarringly, making the reader think. I think you would maybe lose that if you made it longer. Maybe what you would add would be valuable enough to the story to make it worth it, I don't know, because I don't know what you were going to add, but I think it's fine the way it is.

Great job!

Wow! The ending caught me by surprise. (That's a good thing.) In the beginning your character's thoughts seemed so normal and commonplace. The surprise ending made me feel the panic of your main character. I also liked how you told the story from the perspective of Mary instead of Rebekah. My only suggestion would be to add more creative word choices. Great job!

You definitely have a powerful subject, but I think you could intensify the story more with more attention to individual sentences. You have pretty simple sentence structure and word choices; it would be interesting to try using a variation in tone between Mary's earlier description of her life and the moment when she sees her father with the gun.

The only other part of this that held me up was her taking pictures of the sunset. The way you have it now, she goes home and grabs her camera, and then goes home... again. It's not really clear where she goes after getting her camera, how long it took, anything about it. I think the gap is in these three sentences:

"I could still take a few good shots if I was quick. Not my best work, I thought, but it'll have to do. I put my camera back into the camera bag and over my shoulder."

You go straight from her speculation to after she is done.  It made the flow a bit confusing.

I'm sorry to have such a huge criticism of these minor issues; I just prefer criticism on my own work to praise.

Wow, I absolutely love this story. I think you did an amazing job. You lured me in and added the twist at the end... total shocker. It's sad to know that this is semi-true, though; really breaks your heart.

Wow. That was great! I loved the end when you left the readers wanting more!  I want to know what happens to Rebekah, but that is good.  That is true writing!

My only advice is to write more!

Though your writing style is polished, I did not like the cliched thoughts of
the main character. (Being introduced to photography at a young age is
cliche. Rushing off to take a photo is cliche. Listing off siblings and
describing each one is cliche.) I feel like the end scene is so intense
that it deserves a better introduction -- I recommend giving Mary a more
unique voice and carefree attitude, while maintaining the "normal day"
setting that makes the end so surprising.

I agree that the bit with the camera is a little overdone. I think maybe it would be better if you implied that it was "your baby" by describing it, maybe with worn buttons or scratched viewfinder or something. Don't just say it outright, because your character isn't telling the story, she's living it.

The part about her mother leaving all of them seems fitting to me. Maybe not written perfectly, but it really adds to the feeling of a dysfunctional family before the part where the dad has the gun. I think you should just make it seem like a more desperate situation, maybe? Like the mom felt like she had to get out. Just an idea.

It was really touching to read and feel the emotions of the story, and then find out that it was based off a true event. I think this is really good and has the potential to be amazing!

Wow, was not expecting that ending.  Rather sudden.  I liked the shock effect; it made my stomach plunge. Two thumbs up!