The Slam: Slammables
The Fence
by A_Brown
The cold has come again,
and it brings rain and frost that
tear up the gentle Earth.
I have erected a fence to
keep out the wind,
and I no longer feel the
bite and sting of the cold
against my battered body,
nor the tugging of the ocean on
my toes; it buries them in
silt and sand. It grinds
me down and takes me out,
but I don't feel even that.
The sun has no warmth to offer here.
The yellow hammer sings,
and I press my ear up against my
fence.
But I cannot hear it.
I bite at the wire, pressing my
face to it, trying
to see, to smell, all that
I have left behind.
The grass is as hard as wire beneath my feet,
and I find no purchase.
So I sit alone,
looking through
cold eyes at the fading rays of the
sunlight.
What I really loved about this poem was that for the first few lines I thought you were describing real life, and then you come in about the ocean and your toes and I realize it's metaphorical. I love the way that I really can relate to this. The problem I have with a lot of poems is that I really have no idea what the author is talking about, but I got it here. My only question would be, what is the yellow hammer?
critiqued by YodaShmoda, The skin I'm in
Feb 9, 2010
Feb 9, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
A yellowhammer (I apologize, it should be all one word) is a type of woodpecker -- actually a Northern Flicker, which we are just beginning to hear again here in the Southern United States. It's really not all that common of a name for them, however, so I assure you that you are at no fault in not knowing what it is.
critiqued by A. Brown
Feb 12, 2010
Feb 12, 2010
You have beautiful imagery here, but I don't really understand what you are talking about. I would have liked it if you could have grounded the metaphor with some bits about reality, so that it would be easier to digest. Still, it's a very striking poem, and you give the reader a strong mental picture.
critiqued by Erica, Missouri
Feb 12, 2010
Feb 12, 2010
This poem is really powerful... kind of like the book The Giver, in a way. When you try to block out anything that causes pain or suffering, you end up losing a lot of the amazing aspects of life we take for granted. Here, you don't feel the winds, but you don't see the sunlight either. I love how you never tell us this, but use powerful imagery to convey your point.
My only suggestion is to maybe use more unique word choice... "gentle Earth" and "hard as wire" are kind of clique. Different, more striking descriptions/similes would make this even stronger.
Great work, though! Very interesting poem.
critiqued by booktreegirl, Newton, MA
Feb 24, 2010
Feb 24, 2010
Slammings