The Slam: Slammables
Peacock
by soliloquy, British Columbia
You are a peacock at the zoo
and I am only permitted to observe --
running my eyes over your handsome feathers,
proud neck, and set head.
Unaware of my gaze
and uninterested,
the brown marbles of your eyes
gaze obliviously.
I long to outstretch my hand
with crystal seed and golden suet for you
to pick so willingly from
longing fingers, your obsidian beak
gently plucking at my palm.
I want to climb this great quartz wall
and join you among the exotic ferns and berries,
where I may stroke so delicately
your iridescent feathers.
But before me stands this lucid partition --
selective, secretive -- I may not cross.
From this field of withered grass
I can only tread lightly on the thought
of your returned gaze
and your imagined touch.
I like how you capture exactly how I feel about peacocks at the zoo! The most you can hope for is that you'll find a feather lying around. The one thing that jumped out at me the second time I read it is that you used the same word -- "gaze" -- twice in the second stanza. You might want to change one of the words for a more interesting and descriptive feel.
critiqued by Eirian, Portland, OR
Feb 28, 2010
Feb 28, 2010
I really liked the imagery and the feeling of that unattainable thing behind the rules of this world, but I found that some of the emotion seems a bit... contrived. It seems like such strong, vivid feelings may belong to something more profound or close to the heart than a peacock at the zoo -- but overall, great.
critiqued by sing4eva
Mar 2, 2010
Mar 2, 2010
Hmm... Isn't that the point? That the peacock is a metaphor for something more profound? From the second person address in the first line -- "You are a peacock at the zoo" -- I assumed that the poem was not about an actual peacock, but rather about a love interest: someone beautiful and popular and oblivious to the narrator's existence... someone forever out of reach, who can only be admired from afar.
critiqued by CuriousPoet, New York, NY
Mar 2, 2010
Mar 2, 2010
I love this poem! It really captures how I think a lot of us feel, looking at the peacocks at the zoo. And it's really cool, because I can just see a little kid holding his mom's hand at the zoo and wanting to go pet the peacocks.
critiqued by SerendipitousQuintessence, Colorado, USA
Mar 2, 2010
Mar 2, 2010
Good poem, but I think that you try to make it sound more "intelligent" than you should. It uses lots of good vocabulary, but I think that it should be made simpler, almost because I think that a child should be able to read it, as wanting to pet the peacocks at the zoo is generally a thing we want to do when we're younger.
critiqued by H.C.M., Colorado Springs, CO
Mar 5, 2010
Mar 5, 2010
I really enjoyed reading this poem. For a few seconds I really felt like I was at the zoo staring at a peacock. I think this poem is amazing -- keep on writing more poems!
critiqued by Jessicarocks3, USA
Mar 21, 2010
Mar 21, 2010
Slammings