The Slam: Slammables
The Inversion
by etoile, Salt Lake City, UT
it's the kind that lingers
stays too long
not fresh and soft,
covering the world
like a white blanket of silence
not crisp, clean and cool,
but the kind that lingers
in the dark and cold places
where the sun shines less
the gutters
the sides of the road
where the snowplow pushed it
the top of the hedge
where someone has placed a coffee cup
the coffee inside
frozen solid,
no doubt
the accumulated dirt
makes it dark and disgusting
as it stagnates
and becomes full of icy black crystals
it has overstayed its welcome
the leftover salt on the roads
leaves a dirty, gray glaze
making the city look sombre
and dejected
the merry snow
that fell
amid ringing bells
and Christmas hopes
has lingered long enough
to see the trees put away
and people return to their normal lives
the weather taking its cue
as icy, bitter, biting, cold
children stumble over
the uneven hard surface
of the snow turned to ice
as they walk across lawns
hurrying to get home
out of the cold
and a deep hazy smog
settles over the city
making the sunsets beautiful
and the people cough
unable to stand the ugly bitterness
any longer
we wait,
wish,
and hope,
for it to snow
Hmmm, a little confusing at times. I'm not sure what you're trying to get at, here. A little unnecessary in length.
critiqued by xXxalylovesyouxXx, Ohio
Jan 29, 2010
Jan 29, 2010
I actually really enjoyed this poem. I thought the length was good because the lines are very brief despite there being many of them. Even if it is lengthy, the choice of words makes it intriguing to read, which more than makes up for the length.
I found it very interesting how you explored the theme of a good thing turning nasty in such a unique way. The irony of the people hoping again for the snow which had turned on them before was very thought-provoking. You could maybe do a bit more, though, to make the theme (whether or not I caught the intended one) seem more applicable to other situations, if you wanted the theme to be more universal... It seems really specific right now. Or maybe that is what you intended? Good work!
critiqued by NineMuses, New York
Jan 30, 2010
Jan 30, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Where I live, we get inversions, which are pretty much cold air trapped under warm air so that none of the air circulates. They come especially in the winter and can stay a long time, because it's in a valley and is shaped like a bowl. When that happens, all the air pollution that is usually blown away without a problem gets trapped in with the cold air, and makes the entire city gross. Usually the only thing that will clear it out is precipitation, often snow, as it is in winter, but sometimes it's awhile before the snow comes, and the snow that is already on the ground, but mostly melted, gets dirt in it, especially when it's near roads, because the cars drive over it. That, in a very literal sense, is what the poem's about, though there are other themes.
critiqued by etoile, Salt Lake City, UT
Feb 4, 2010
Feb 4, 2010
I really liked this poem, too -- the disgust with dirty snow is a feeling I have/share. I agree that at times it was slightly confusing, and a little more cohesion would make it better, but no matter what it's still an excellent poem.
critiqued by rschneider, New England
Feb 4, 2010
Feb 4, 2010
I like the description and think it's really accurate. But I get tripped up during the parts where you describe what the snow is not. I find that the three-letter word of "not" gets skipped in my brain, and all I think of is snow that is "clean, crisp, and cool" and is "fresh and soft." I'm not sure how you could fix that without taking it out altogether, and I really liked it even if it took slowing down a bit to understand.
critiqued by YodaShmoda, Connecticut
Feb 4, 2010
Feb 4, 2010
I'm not sure if this was intentional, but I like the way certain lines can go with either the line before or the line after and slightly change meaning. For example, it could either be read, "out of the cold / and a deep hazy smog" or "and a deep hazy smog / settles over the city." Although this made the flow confusing at times (I read it the first way in several of these cases, and had to stop and think about what "settles over the city" was doing there gramatically) I was used to it by the end. However, I think this flow, whether intentional or not, took away from the meaning of your poem. This could be good if it was your intention -- the beauty of words and the way you choose to arrange them can be poetry in and of itself. In this case, that poetry was lovely enough that I didn't pay much attention to the message you might've intended readers to see. Again, if that's the way you wanted it, excellent work. I enjoyed this poem... Can't wait to see what you write next!
critiqued by knowitpoet, USA
Feb 4, 2010
Feb 4, 2010
Slammings