The Slam: Slammables

Snow Tree

by Talon, Canada

Nicole heard a light beep come from his watch.

“It is now officially twelve o’clock, happy birthday.” Glendon kissed her head.

“Thank you.” She smiled and pulled her hat tighter over her head. “Why couldn't we have done something inside, though? Like in a sports bar or something?”

They watched the apartment building across from the field they sat in.

“Because I know how much you love snow." He paused for a minute. “Plus you can't drink."

The whole area was relatively new, so there were still some farming areas around. This particular field had a large rotted tree in the centre of it. Nicole and Glendon rested on a tarp and blanket that covered the tree’s cold exposed roots.

"I want to live in that building... right next to Mrs. Garrison's apartment.” Nicole stared at the pink and red square that glowed with a dull light.

“Do you want to live there with me?” He poked her hand.

She didn’t answer.

She didn’t want to think about living with him. She loved him, but she did not want to plan out how far they would travel through life together. She was not ready for that responsibility.

She was not ready for a lot of responsibilities.

The field was covered lightly with last night’s snow fall, and the rotted tree had caught a thin blanket over its crooked branches. There was no moon tonight; it had decided to hide behind thick clouds, almost bursting with snowflakes.

Worries built up and crashed in Nicole’s mind, causing her to become irritated and restless.

Glendon hugged her from behind, and rested his head on her shoulder.

“Over-thinking again?”

“How could you tell?”

“You’re frowning.”

A thick, soft-looking snowflake drifted and danced lazily into Nicole’s lap, and melted through her jeans. Soon, many thick snowflakes began to fall to the ground, slowly bumping into one another and resting among their brothers and sisters. As each flake fell, she began to forget her worries, and concentrated on the effect the snow had made on the apartment building. It could barely be seen. She had always loved this type of snow drift. It caused noise to become dull and kept things hidden that did not want to be found. She looked up behind her at the rotten tree and wondered what type of wood it was.

“Do you think it’s an oak?”

Glendon knew what she was talking about. “I don’t know... How about a snow tree?”

Nicole smiled a genuine, childish smile. This only happened when she wasn't thinking, which was rare for her.

“What about in the spring and summer?”

“It can still be a snow tree. It will just be hibernating.”

She looked back over the field. “Sounds grand.”

The flakes continued to fall, while she pretended they spoke to one another, and wished her a happy birthday. She was comfortable like this; she did not mind that the air was cold, or that her bum was hurting. If this was what she did for the rest of her life, she would be happy.

“So, you didn’t answer my question earlier... Would you like to live with me?”

As she pondered that idea, other thoughts strolled back into her mind.

She sighed. “I don’t know, but it’s cold. Let’s go back to your house.”

They stood up and folded the tarp and blanket. As they walked toward the house she glanced back at the snow tree, and longed to be back under it.

Slammings

It's good -- great, actually -- but I don't like the ending so much. I love your use of description. I felt like I was there. The first sentence confused me, though.

critiqued by kittles
Jan 25, 2010

The first sentence confused me, too. It makes you think that Nicole is male and later you realize that Nicole is female. Other than that, though, I liked it. I liked the way it was written, but not so much the end. I didn't feel like it went anywhere.

critiqued by amy, Kentucky
Feb 18, 2010

I loved it -- great, potentially romantic setting.
The ending was a problem, however; it needed a plot twister or something. There was virtually no plot, only a well-written setting. You need something... man vs. nature, man vs. man, man vs. himself, something needs to happen.
It's got great potential, it just needs to go on.

critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Feb 23, 2010

I both disagree and agree with this critique.  I disagree that the ending was a "problem," and I disagree that something absolutely needs to happen -- if you leave the story as it is, it serves as a wonderful piece of microfiction, and definitely stands alone.  However, I agree that the story has great potential and probably should go on.  While you can leave it as a glimpse into the main character's life rather than a whole chapter of it, I would really love for you to delve deeper into what is going on.  For example, I think I caught a reference to Nicole being pregnant -- "You can't drink" -- and I would like to explore that more.  Is it his child?  Is she keeping it?

 

Anyway, you have a choice to make as a writer.  You can leave the piece as a brief glimpse, or you can expand the emotions and conflicts in Nicole's life.  Either way, this is -- and will be -- a great piece of writing.

critiqued by peace_poet, New Jersey
Jun 22, 2010