The Slam: Slammables

Nyeba

by L. M. Zhukov, Russia

there is a sky
and
i have
seen it
under my wings
and
i have
heard it
over my engine
and
i have
felt it
through my feet and hands
turning into a roll

there is a sky
and
it will
kill me
one of these days
and
that is
a fact
but to laugh into the wind
which is
just young steel
is
such a joy
that i
will stay
anyway

Slammings

It's a nice poem, but why is it called "Nyeba"?

critiqued by MissFaber
Jan 18, 2010

SLAM MASTER'S NOTE:

 

If you look up "Nyeba," dear Slammers, you'll find that it is Russian for "sky."

critiqued by Slam Master
Jan 18, 2010

Awesome!  I love the way you subtly hint that it's an airplane, without outright saying it; I had to read it a couple times before I got that. I also think it's an interesting reflection about death in the second stanza, that the sky will kill you someday, but you laugh to the wind, and you will stay anyway because it is such a joy. I think it's sort of pointing out death's inevitability, and sort of asking the question: is it worth doing something that might, and probably will, kill you in the end, if it brings joy?

 

Thought-provoking and fun to read.

critiqued by etoile, Salt Lake City, UT
Jan 21, 2010

I'm a little afraid of airplanes and don't like to have my feet off the ground, but this poem made me want to fly! This topic could have been really cliche, but you handled it perfectly. One thing I would change: I feel like everyone takes all capitilization and punctuation out of their poems to be "rebellious" or make it their "trademark." While there are a few famous poets whose trademarks were their lack of punctuation (e. e. cummings comes to mind), I think that with a really strong poem like yours, not using punctuation can take some of the power out of it. After all, punctuation has a purpose, the same purpose measures and phrases serve in music: to tell the reader how it should be read, not simply what should be read. Your poem wouldn't require a lot of change, just adding a capital letter in "There is a sky" both times at the beginning of sentences and a period after "turning into a roll" and "anyway" at the end of the sentences. Because of the way you've broken up your lines, this wouldn't even change your poem that much, but it would seem more natural to me. Honor your own style, though, if no capitalization or punctuation is especially important to you, keep it, but if it was just kind of an afterthought or something you just did for the heck of it, I think it could use a change. Happy writing!

critiqued by Jenna, Missouri
Feb 23, 2010

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

 

Thanks for the feedback! To tell the truth, I struggle terribly with punctuation in poetry and most of the time I don't use it because of that. Of course (shame on me) that probably means I should use it more. Ah well. Anyway, thanks awfully for the suggestions and I will keep them in mind.

critiqued by L. M. Zhukov, Russia
Feb 24, 2010

I love the patterns in this and the way it doesn't get complicated. There's a lot to be said for simplicity. The only part I didn't like was "through my feet and hands / turning into a roll." I guess I thought they were words that fit with the ground and not the sky. Otherwise, well done. 

critiqued by eponine-pontmercy
Feb 23, 2010

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

 

I agree. They are an awkward couple of lines and I have been working on changing them around a bit so they sound better. Thank you for calling my attention to it!

critiqued by L. M. Zhukov, Russia
Feb 24, 2010