The Slam: Slammables

Beneath the Lilies

by Liz, Pennsylvania

my beloved has gone
down to his garden, to his beds
of spices, where the roots
will tickle him like children,
and to the patter of our feet,
he will listen, eyes upward,
brow furrowed, as though we
were the ghosts.

Slammings

Your poem is very beautiful, especially the line, "where the roots will tickle him like children." Similes and metaphors I can't help but love.

critiqued by L. Edwards, Minnesota
Jan 21, 2010

There is so much in this short poem! I love the lines "he will listen, eyes upward,  / brow furrowed, as though we / were the ghosts." It depicts the "man" as old, but young at heart.

critiqued by Estelle O., USA
Jan 25, 2010

Your poem is beautiful; its precision makes it so strong. One suggestion would be that since you end it with a period, you might want to start it with a capital letter. I just think this would be more natural; there is really no reason for you not to use capitalization. Happy writing!

critiqued by Jenna, Missouri
Feb 25, 2010