The Slam: Slammables
Excuse me, but I was wondering...
by Erica, Missouri
Do you know where music notes belong?
I found a few in my yard today
in a little pile
under the yucca.
They were dirty, and dusty, and jumbled together,
but when they touched they made the most beautiful noises,
like slivers of grass who had learned to speak.
Do you know where they should be put?
I'd love to keep them,
perhaps in the jar
where I keep fireflies in summer,
but neither one has ever been mine.
This is very whimsical; it reminds me of "A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings." I particularly like the line "like slivers of grass who had learned to speak." I might have made it a bit longer, but it works short as well because it stays simple.
critiqued by eponine-pontmercy
Dec 20, 2009
Dec 20, 2009
This is really lovely. I especially love the way you have spaced your stanzas. The first line on its own is really interesting, starting with a strong and intriguing question. Also, your last stanza is wonderful, beautifully picturesque. Your last two lines, also, are perfectly streamlined. I might split the last line into two, to give it the same weight as your first line. Otherwise, lovely!
critiqued by mnms1313
Dec 20, 2009
Dec 20, 2009
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Thank you for the compliments and the criticism. I realized later that I would have liked the last part to be paced better, and splitting the last line is a great suggestion.
critiqued by Erica, Missouri
Dec 23, 2009
Dec 23, 2009
I agree about splitting the last line in half. I think it would flow a bit better... Other than that, this poem just left me feeling happy, and it has a light, whimsical aspect. Awesome!
critiqued by T. L. Berry, Minnesota
Jan 25, 2010
Jan 25, 2010
I absolutely love the extended metaphor of music being an object you could touch... not abstract. Which is quite true. Music can really be grasped if you try. It's a great poem.
critiqued by MissFaber, New Jersey
Jan 18, 2010
Jan 18, 2010
Slammings