He’s forgiven. Really. Fourteen, curious, he meant no harm. I love him, he loves me, we are a fortress, a unit. Parents have moved on. They’re done with it, he’s over it. So am I. But that’s a façade, and it takes so much effort. But it’s for him. It’s okay. I swear.

But then, I live in terror. Strangers, teachers, uncles, father. Scratchy faces, huge shoulders, strength unmatched. And I’m vulnerable. However, ironically, I am not afraid of him. He is careful, now, following all the rules. I think he senses the scar below the surface. And for that, I’m sorry. I know the fear in my eyes kills him.

Today, I’m alone with one of them, doesn’t matter who he is. And fear has taken over. I don’t look up. I fade, going unnoticed. But he stops me with my name. I look up, faking defiance. I follow a list: Set jaw, flash eyes, stand straight and strong. You’re safe… But the words are futile. I quake, inside.

Finally, he’s done talking with me. Uneventful episode, in fact it was an interesting conversation. I hurry past, giving him a wide berth. And my thoughts fly to him. It’s fine, I think, this is my problem. Not your fault, brother. I am weak, and I must strengthen. Not your fault, not mine. It’s just the paranoia. And I won’t let it make me shed a tear.