The Slam: Slammables

much/enough

by melaniekay, Indiana

Tang-bite of salt like ayran on my tongue
plays at my edges, the lap
of a tide that inches closer before swallowing.

You are too much. I want to sweeten you, breathe
sugar into your ear and warm you
between my hands but you sleep sideways
in bed and I can’t bring myself to wake you
from fitful dreams. You told me you dreamt

of crows. Scavengers over the bodies of children
who would never grow to be valedictorian, a bride,
the president. You say there’s no rhyme
to it but you revel in the real poeticism
your dreams carry -- the symbolism draped
with metaphor and layer after layer of meaning.
You are too much. I lie beside you and you nestle

up next to me, your shoulders at my shoulders, your hips
at my hips, your knees at my knees and your breath
warming me. You are the most comfortable friend.
And I am not enough.

Slammings

Your poem is good and reads well, but I think you should delete the first stanza -- it doesn't add a whole lot to the poem and actually sort of confuses it. My mom agrees. But still, a very nice poem. Keep writing!

critiqued by Maddie, Oregon
Dec 2, 2009

I disagree, actually; I think the first stanza establishes the narrator's sense of being overwhelmed. The vaguely ominous tone provides a powerful contrast to the main image of a spooning couple (romantic or otherwise).

 

Admittedly, my tastes tend toward the sententious and pretty-sounding, but I think "You are too much" would be much less meaningful if the first stanza were deleted.  (I really like the poem as it is! It's powerful, and I love the way you infuse this seemingly sweet moment with such anxiety.)

critiqued by Elizabeth, California
Dec 8, 2009

I sincerely loved this poem. I think it's simply amazing.

critiqued by Kimalrighty
Dec 2, 2009

I agree with Kimalrighty.  The imagery is rich and the narrator's voice is very powerful.  Great job.

critiqued by peace_poet, New Jersey
Jun 17, 2010

To me, this poem feels a lot like someone's thoughts, as though the speaker almost can't stop to breathe, and then at the end (s)he breathes in and finds it more difficult than usual. It's a familiar feeling but a different approach. I like the rhythm of it.

critiqued by eponine-pontmercy
Dec 20, 2009