The Slam: Slammables
a rainbow reflected
by wordgirl89, Saginaw, MI
the sun rays burned
through your bedroom window
and made a rainbow on your
sagging ceiling as we lay
sprawled in bed beneath it.
we looked around the room
for brief, curious intervals
over the next few days
wondering what caused our
10 AM visitor and missing it
when it stopped coming.
then you thought to shift
a crooked spined book
on your dresser top
to expose the hard belly
of a scratched CD
that was beneath it.
wait and see
you said confidently.
and the next morning
it came back.
our tangent of sun
with such intimate
tentacle reach, shone
through the glass
off the disc
and onto the ceiling
for us to witness.
it was pleasant luck
of angle and timing
we both agreed.
everything always
in relation to us and the way
things revolved
at a safe distance,
around the perimeter
we made together.
a fragile, slanted luck.
as we sat and stared
sucking in oxygen to gasp,
i had a brief eclipse of thought
that read like a scrolling maquee
of letters and text glanced at
from the passenger seat
of a car travelling fast.
it was something about a brain
in a vat and the way
it can still bathe
in sunshines passed,
never knowing
the difference.
I really like the simplistic idea in this poem! It seems personal at first, but then it just becomes a beautiful poem full of wonder. My favorite part is the opening line, "the sun rays burned through the bedroom window." I also really liked your stanza groupings -- it gave the poem a very nice pace.
One thing to work on is when you write about the 10 a.m. visitor, it isn't clear yet what you are talking about, and you don't describe it in any detail. However, great work! I really enjoyed it!
Dec 6, 2009
I came to the conclusion (of course I might be wrong) that the 10 a.m. visitor was the sunlight. I love this piece, not just because of the line breaks (which really made it a pleasure to read) or because it is simply and cleanly written, but because, to me, it's a fresh take on an everyday moment: you make the sunlight on the ceiling special, and personal. Also, the images it conjured up in my mind (the "hard belly" of the cd, for instance) were fantastic. Overall, a wonderful piece! Keep writing!
Dec 8, 2009
I'm pretty sure the "10 AM visitor" is when the light hits the CD so
that it makes the rainbow. I agree that this piece is good because of its glorification of a somewhat common occurance. I think, dear author and critic, that you would enjoy the work of Pablo Neruda, if you don't already. My favorite part about this is the use of
the word "luck." I'm not a fan of the marquee stanza. The whole "I had a ... thought" thing is a jarring rhythm change. Overall, if this were on facebook, I would click the "like" button!
Jan 10, 2010
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
When I wrote this, I intended the 10 AM visitor to be the rainbow -- though it could also be interpreted as the light coming through the window (the cause of the rainbow). Thanks for pointing out the change in rhythm at the end, Julia. I agree with you, it's jarring. I can't believe I didn't notice it before. I felt something was off, but I couldn't place it. A better last line would be "a fragile, slanted luck." I like the last two stanzas, though, so I certainly wouldn't forget them. After a bit of revision
they could be a poem on their own.
Thank you all very much for your time and critiques. They really mean a lot to me.
Jan 13, 2010

Slammings