The Slam: Slammables
worth a thousand words
by thebrightestgreen, Hawaii
(Based on the painting Nighthawks by Edward Hopper)
This tiny diner
Lights up like a firefly
Against the midnight sky;
A dark, desolate city.
Inside sits a couple.
She'd chosen a red dress
And carefully lined her lips
With an even deeper shade of scarlet.
He's sporting a grey hat,
Even though it's indoors,
And a navy suit.
The aroma of coffee is slight
Mixed with the early jazz tunes
Humming from the radio.
But neither can rival
The taste of memories
Floating hazily around.
Sitting on the creaking stools
Across the room from the duo
Another man sips his coffee
Contemplating the woman.
He used to have a gal like that
The type that would light up the room
Red curls, ruby lips.
But no, she preferred a baby blue dress.
He would have small flashes
Of her vibrant singing, dancing,
And of course, the leaving.
For him those throbbing flashes
Would wind their way around him,
Squirming into his ears and
Prodding at past memories that
He had struggled so hard to subdue.
The woman across from him perches on her seat
Her hand lingering next to her husband's,
Staring into the depths of her cigarette,
She pretends that the hazy smoke
Could fill the gaps in her heart.
She knows the cherry of her lips
Won't stand a chance
Against the rim of the warm coffee cup,
She winces as the bitter, scalding liquid
Cascades down her throat.
She can't find it in herself to care,
The guilt is overwhelming.
She wants to confess her cheating
Beg him to stay, to call her "baby"
Or "honey," it wouldn't matter
That she despises those names.
Deeper down, she knows
She'll leave the other man,
Try to convince him and herself
That she loves her husband.
She imagined the scene,
Set in a movie,
When she loved him --
Her husband taking her back.
But her pretend theater set
Crumpled into matches
That began to flame --
Until tears fell from
the corners of her eyes.
Her husband stares at her cigarette.
He wants to grab her hand,
Though he won't.
He gazes at her eyes.
He notices an emptiness.
He has heard that the eyes are the
Gateway to the soul, so what
Could her deserted eyes possibly mean?
Whoa -- kind of long. It seems more like a story, but the imagery you included gives it the "taste" of poetry.
I find the part about the other man staring at the woman superfluous -- it sort of distracts, especially when you come back to the couple later in the poem. You could have shortened it a bit in other places, too.
Also, I just don't see what the title has to do with the poem, although it IS a very good title. The story is slightly clichéd...
Nov 24, 2009
I really like this poem. I love how you took what was in the painting and expanded it to make an underlying story. I actually like the part about the other man looking at the girl and remembering his own, and then transitioning back. Personally, I don't think the length is a problem; length doesn't determine whether it's a poem or not, and I think it's good that you take your time to tell the story, and not just rush through. It sort of gives the feeling of the poem -- things happening slowly and contemplatively. Great imagery: my favorite part is "she knows the cherry of her lips / won't stand a chance / against the rim of the warm coffee cup." I don't think the story is clichéd, especially since, instead of just telling the story, you just took a freeze-frame from the middle of the story and described it. Nice job -- keep writing!
Dec 23, 2009
The painting that is your influence is a great favorite of mine and I think you did a very good job with it. I liked your title. A picture is worth a thousand words and there they are. The length of the poem sort of cheekily ties back in with the saying of the title.
Your descriptions of the people in the cafe, is it possible to make them a little punchier? The painting to me describes more of a definite "film noir" scene... a sort of Raymond Chandler moment. The femme fatale, the hired gun, and the silent observer... Of course, there are many ways to interpret a picture as there are ways to interpret a poem and you might have a completely different idea than I do. Really great, though.
Jan 2, 2010

Slammings