The Slam: Slammables
Puffs Away, No Regret
by CarlNap, Arkansas
I was the epileptic carcinogen
seizures erupting and rupturing like exploding cigarettes.
Ten thousand years under the sea,
giant tentacles are a farce,
but the blackness is supreme.
Filtered endings seem to save souls pain,
but the people would rather be
shattered instantaneously
than dismantled little by little.
Boy did we know excitement,
the edge we lived on
was razor fine
and pressure threatened to
thrust us off.
The times we are closest to death
are the times when we feel
most alive.
Wow, what a descriptive poem! The only thing I would say about this poem is: cut off the last three lines. Show your reader, don't tell them. I think you did an excellent job of showing us what you felt in the poem, and if you are going to have an ending, make it more sophisticated than just plain old, "here's what I mean to say." The rest of the poem is fabulous, so let the ending live up to it!
critiqued by GrannySmithApples
Nov 24, 2009
Nov 24, 2009
I really liked this poem. I thought that the last three lines had a lot of meaning in that short little stanza, and you have used excellent descriptive words.
critiqued by Jojo, Australia
Dec 26, 2009
Dec 26, 2009
Slammings