The Slam: Slammables
The Jelly Donut
by Penguino
not much depends
upon
my jelly
donut
so sweet and so
glazed
atop the white
saucer
thank God.
This was hysterical. I love it. The whimsicality about it is great.
critiqued by CarlNap, Arkansas
Nov 7, 2009
Nov 7, 2009
I am infatuated. This is wonderful, and made me smile (and hungry).
critiqued by porcupine, Davis, CA
Nov 24, 2009
Nov 24, 2009
I found your poem very weak and childish. I think that it shows nothing of good poetic elements. With this said, the poem was fairly creative and different.
critiqued by BG505
Dec 2, 2009
Dec 2, 2009
Actually, I thought it was an interesting tribute to William Carlos Williams's "The Red Wheelbarrow." Although the language is simple, the image -- the ideal donut sitting on the saucer, just begging to be eaten -- is perfectly conveyed. William Carlos Williams's poetry was just as simple and concise. Nice tribute. Keep writing!
critiqued by Scarlett, Los Angeles, CA
Dec 3, 2009
Dec 3, 2009
I quite agree with Scarlett. This poem is not at all weak, but small, like a candle-flame. It may be small, but it provides excellent light and a certain warmth and aura. I love this piece. Lovely imagery and rhythm!
critiqued by mnms1313
Jan 2, 2010
Jan 2, 2010
Seriously, didn't you people know this was just a parody off of Williams' famous freeverse? By calling this poem childish, and since although it didn't share the meaning it still had the same format, you were, in a sense, insulting the master and pioneer of freeverse.
As both "The Red Wheelbarrow" and "My Jelly Doughnut" show us, poetry doesn't have to be emotional or depressing or contain any greater meaning in order to be great freeverse. Sometimes a poem can be read purely for how it sounds.
critiqued by Aaron Lawrence, St. Louis, MO
Apr 11, 2010
Apr 11, 2010
I agree that this poem is a great parody of William Carlos Williams, and far from childish. But in making these presumptuous statements about Williams's poetry, you're coming dangerously close to saying that any one poet's work can be inviolate. Does anyone improve their writing by worshipping a "master" who is immune to critique? Of course not. No one is perfect, not even William Carlos Williams (though sometimes, I admit, he comes pretty darn close). Even if this author were parodying a "perfect" poem, that doesn't automatically make this piece perfect, either. Everyone can improve. So if someone wants to critique Williams's writing, they are welcome to -- just like they are welcome to critique anything on The Slam. It's a free country. Keep an open mind.
critiqued by CuriousPoet, New York, NY
Apr 11, 2010
Apr 11, 2010
I love this; it made me smile. A wonderful, joyful little tribute poem (as I assume it was...) Great job!
critiqued by M.A., New York
Dec 15, 2009
Dec 15, 2009
Thank you so much for this sweet little morsel! It has a very certain whimsy to it. Perhaps it is "childish," but that doesn't matter. I think one of the problems we poets have is that we often take ourselves too seriously and forget that poetry often means looking at the world through the eyes of a child again.
critiqued by JapaneseWatermelon, Iowa
Dec 20, 2009
Dec 20, 2009
This is wonderful. Your poem is so light and funny and even sweet; I love that it doesn't take itself too seriously (I may have misinterpreted it, but I felt that that was its message). It almost seems a little Zen. It made me smile. I inhaled a big happy breath of air at the last line and felt relieved and refreshed. Keep posting poetry, please, for the sake of all of us who get caught up in unhappy and significant things.
critiqued by Anna.O, Portland, OR
Jan 8, 2010
Jan 8, 2010
Honestly... is this for real? I laughed in hysterics when I realized all you wrote about was a pastry.
critiqued by Honest
Mar 11, 2010
Mar 11, 2010
Slammings