User login

Login/Register

Find us on Facebook

The Slam: Slammables

Spring Cleaning

by Penguino

The dust bunnies plot and presume
To soon take control of my room.
But today they will find
Their plans undermined,
For I am the one with the broom.

Slammings

I love this. It's such a delight compared with most of the more sombre pieces here. 

critiqued by eponine-pontmercy
Dec 2, 2009

Simple, but elegant.  Light enough to provoke a smile, but with a grain of truth to it.  I rather like this, and I value its understatement.

 

The writing is teetering on the edge of forced, but the rhyme scheme does much to remedy this.  It is, however, in need of a far superior title.

critiqued by aardvark
Dec 2, 2009

Actually, I really like the title -- it's simple and concise, like the poem, but introduces the poem by sort of pointing out why it's happening... 

critiqued by etoilenoir, Salt Lake City, UT
Dec 23, 2009

I disagree. I think the title doesn't relate enough to the emotion of the poem, and what is a poem but emotion? The title does nothing to help one feel the poem, and so it needs to be changed. In my view, any part of a poem without feeling is useless.

critiqued by mnms1313
Jan 2, 2010

I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to say that this made me want to chuckle.  I don't dislike your title, but I do think you could come up with something better.  The image of the scheming dust bunnies' plot being foiled and them swept away was refreshingly, slyly silly. Very nice.

critiqued by ink.stained.fingers, New York
Feb 26, 2011